How to Get Away with Being Single
Are you above 25 and still single? Have you gotten your degree and probably more than one degree and now you can hear them whispering that all you care about is acquiring degrees? Have those aunties started asking you questions stylishly or bluntly? Are you tired of going to or calling home because you know your mum would always find a way to link any conversation to marriage? Most of all, are you unconcerned about the whole marriage thing but the constant questions, advice, and subtle prayers are driving you up the wall?
If yes to one or more of this question, this is for you. This is a guide to escape the never-ending questions and emotional blackmail. Actually, your major tool here is the emotional blackmail.
First things first, “think ye not that your savage responses shall save thee, for they shall not”. When these old people mean business, your savage responses have no effect on them. You should know by now that Nigerian mothers are the queens of sarcasm and savagery rolled together. So, save your strength.
Secondly, to actively execute this, you need to adopt a little bit of subtle theatrics. Not the exaggerated stage play type but a very subtle sprinkling of theatrics.
We good? Good. Oh!! I also need to add before we go further that these women grew up around the time ogbanje was a thing and some of them might have dealt with one or two ogbanjes in their life time. Why is this information necessary? It means your theatrics might not work because their heart and emotions have been toughened and they have gotten a fair share of drama in their lives. If you are in this category, may God intervene in your case.
Now, let’s get to it.
A lot of times, these mummies are concerned that you are being too picky while some of them are not even sure, since you will not share any information with them. So, the first step is to balance this.
Talk to them about those guys that have been pestering you. If you know your mother is a modern woman who does not support desperation and going for anything that comes, you have the perfect card in this game. Share stories of the annoying guys in your DMs; the ones with attitude or ego issues, and make it seem like you are so desperate you are actually considering going for them despite their faults.
If your mother is the traditional “men will be men” mummy, then you have to adopt a different style. In this case, you might have to be a scriptwriter/editor rolled into one. So you know those men that have served you hot breakfast especially the ones they don’t know about, it might be time to bring those stories out and even edit some to create another story. Never discuss the faults of these men or how you are not attracted to them. You will just fuel the fire for more pressure. Simply let them see how your heart is broken like a porcelain bowl that fell from a three-story building and of course, how you are working on mending your hearts. Please note that you may think they will back down because of your broken heart. Not these women! They have lived through a civil war, death of siblings/children/spouse, etc. In other words, they are greatest preachers of “never stay down”. Let them see how determined you are to get hitched.
Another thing to note is that these mummies grew up in an age where any woman who is not married by age 25 is an old maid. Therefore, your lackadaisical, I-am-an independent-woman attitude will not fly. So, you need to let them see your efforts. Herein comes the theatrics.
When you go home, don’t be jumping up and down like someone that has no worries and for goodness sake, don’t wear jeans trouser or all those short cloth. Let your attitude show that you are as concerned as they are about this marriage business. If you have younger ones at home, the better for you. The day you call Junior and he does not answer you immediately, just burst into tears and say things like “It is not your fault. It is because I am still in this house with you and not my husband’s house”.
Whenever you hear that your cousin or childhood friend is getting married, don’t just be happy for them. Be happy for them and almost immediately let your mood change to reflect your own burden. You could even insert a few sighs and unshed tears. This is necessary because you need to preempt those aunties and family friends who will start with the annoying “when is your own”.
Our mummies are mostly religious. Don’t wait for them to ask you before you start telling them about going to the mountain to pray. You could insert a few talks about going to see one powerful pastor that some friend recommended to you (no, you don’t have to go but at least mention it). Don’t wake up to be stuffing yourself with food, some days eat around 12 (take it as your own intermittent fasting). If you attend any of these new generation churches or even Redeemed or Winners, please bear in mind that most of these mummies believe that you are not engaging in serious spiritual warfare. So, don’t bother saying your pastor said or talking about one program you had in your church. You should be faithful with NSPPD prayer or Harvesters prayer and make sure it is loud enough for mummy to hear early in the morning.
These are some of the things you can do to buy time but you sef, do you want to give them high BP?
PS: Just so you know, some of the pressure mummy is giving you is from daddy. So, don’t go about thinking that daddy is not concerned before you go and lose guard around daddy.
PSS: This was borne out of humour. I cannot confirm or deny that I did this before I got married.
