Men Will be Men

Dear woman,

I know it came as a shock when you discovered your husband/partner was cheating on you. You felt hurt and betrayed and it seemed like time has stopped for you. The greatest feeling is that of disbelief. You cannot believe that this same man that you gave the whole of your affections could do this to you.

It is even more difficult to accept because he has been a wonderful father and a great husband to you. You always counted yourself lucky and now the world you used to know has crashed.

At first, you were filled with anger and bitterness and you wished you could just rip him apart limb from limb. Then the feelings started to give room to nostalgia.

You remember how caring he was when you first met; how he has still remained caring through the years; how he does everything to take care of you and the children. You remember the many sacrifices he has made, how he has pushed you to be better, how he stood by you and helped you surmount the challenges you faced, and not only that. Despite being a wonderful husband to you, he has been great with the kids.

Now you have a conflict in your head. You cannot match that wonderful man with the infidel you just discovered him to be. He apologized but they all do, don’t they? He said it happened with just that one person. But again, how can you verify that.

Is this the end or do you mend things with him? For all that it is worth, any decision you make is understandable but it is left for you to decide.

You have made a mental list and you are at war with yourself. He has been a perfect man except this little dent. Are most cheats not all perfect until you catch them? Do you stay and give this another try or do you walk away from him? Any decision you make has its costs and consequences. There is a conflict within you but one part seems to be winning the battle.

The problem is that you cannot just forgive him knowing that he went against the vows he made to you. So, you are looking for a reason to forgive.

It is a really terrible place to be in. But please never try to blame yourself or create an excuse for him. If you want to stay, stay because you have chosen to forgive not because you made yourself believe in a lie. There is an easy way to do this but it is filled with lies that many years ago, people in your position took. This lies have continued to be passed to the next generation.

The easy way is to tell yourself “men will be men”, “at least he takes care of me”, “that was just a fling, he has the real thing with me” and other lies. These lies are a cop-out; they are easy and require no deep thinking and soul search. These lies are what you will continue to tell yourself if he cheats on you again or never stops. Save the coming generation these lies by not choosing the easy way.

There is a less easy way. This way makes you question your intent and judge the real reason you have chosen to stay. This way makes you deal with your feelings and make logical decisions. This way makes you have the uncomfortable talk with him and makes you state your conditions(if any), and express what you feel. This way makes you take the step towards healing without building resentment.

As earlier stated, any decision you make is understandable. Weigh your options and choose what you want to do. If you choose to stay, ensure you examine your intent and you are willing to forgive. You do not want to stay and build resentment. In all, for your sake and for the sake of the coming generation, avoid the easy way.